Child of An Addict: A Help Guide

Children of parents with substance use disorders have reported steering through the emotional conflict surrounding the roles of their parents. One common occurrence is known as “role reversal,” where the child feels responsible for taking care of the parent, instead of the other way around.

A relationship like that can lead to poor boundaries between the parent and child, including the child feeling responsible for the parent emotionally. Some examples are:

• Taking on household duties and responsibilities like cleaning the house and paying the bills
• Taking care of a parent after they’ve gotten intoxicated or high
• Giving emotional support to the parent during or after they’ve taken part in substance use
• Covering up or lying for the parent who can’t meet their responsibilities

Children of parents who have SUD and can cope with the problem without becoming addicted themselves are labeled as “resilient.” A study in 2000 defined resilience as “a dynamic process encompassing positive adaptation within the context of significant adversity.” This means that the child of an addict has been able to adjust positively to their situation, even though it is hugely harmful.

The problem with this definition is that it may play down the trauma or harmful experiences the child coped with. It also may imply that those who went on to develop disorders are weaker people. In addition, the fact that some people can be resilient may be used as an excuse that these childhood experiences don’t need to be talked about.

Sometimes an addicted parent will do embarrassing things like showing up to a school function high or slur their words when talking to a teacher. They may say and do things that don’t make any sense or fail to keep promises. You need to know that your parent isn’t a bad person. They have a disease that causes them to make bad choices.

You might feel like it’s your fault that your parent has a SUD. You may know realistically that you aren’t, but you feel that way and wonder if there’s something you could do to stop them. First of all, it’s not your fault they have an addiction. Second, there is nothing you can do to stop it.

It’s overwhelming living with an addict, to say the least. It’s even worse if that addict is your parent. Parents are supposed to make you feel safe, secure, and cared for. However, in homes with an addict, there is very little of that, which can make you feel alone. Well, you’re not alone. Other children have parents who are addicted to drugs or alcohol.

You may have been told not to tell anyone about the addiction, making you ashamed and embarrassed about it. You are not responsible for lying, keeping secrets, or otherwise covering for your parent. Talk about it to someone you trust–a teacher, counselor, family member, or member of a peer support group such as Alateen.

Addiction is a lonely disease. A lot of people use alcohol or other drugs to escape reality. Other addicts stay away from people because of embarrassment or fear of what they will think of them. You may be the best person to convince them to get help. It’s important to show them that you love and care about them and that you’re willing to support them. This doesn’t mean that you’re willing to enable them by giving them money or letting them walk all over you.

Parents don’t want to look weak to their children. They may feel like they’re pathetic because they can’t stop using. They might likely have grown up believing that addiction is a choice or a failure and only something that criminals do. Let your parent know that you’re not ashamed and you don’t think they’re weak or a failure.

Because their SUD causes changes to their brain, they may not see any way out of their disease and have no hope of recovering. Show them that there is always hope. Therapy, medications, and support have helped thousands of people recover so find some schedules for support groups (Meeting schedules for most groups are usually available online). You may even want to contact some rehabs and learn about options for treatment and ways to pay for it.

Believe it or not, many people with addiction don’t understand how their behavior affects other people, even their children. They may be denying the truth to themselves. Your goal is to make them face up to and understand the consequences of their actions. When they recognize how their disease is affecting them, and other people they care about, it might move them to put some effort into recovery.

It’s typically difficult to talk to people with SUD. And you might become emotional if they don’t listen to you. Certified interventionists are trained to help family members listen to each other and learn about the disease of addiction. An intervention needs to be a calm, planned event, not an emotional blowout. Contact family and friends to help you find an interventionist and participate in the intervention.

You can’t force your parent to go to rehab. But you can do your best to communicate with them. If they don’t listen or refuse help, you can’t control that. However, you can control how their behavior affects you. Parents with SUD often do things that hurt their children emotionally and physically. Do not allow yourself to be a victim of their abusive behavior. Get support for yourself, even if it means calling law enforcement. You might also want to get therapy or help from a group like Al-Anon, Alateen, or Nar-Anon.